OK boys & girls.

What about this picture says "Hey, now would be a great time to walk up and start talking to this girl"?





I don't like talking on the phone. As a matter of fact, I hate it. Because of this, I'm not on it very often. So…when I am on it…please don't start talking to me. Please. And, if you are the person that I'm talking to on the phone, please don't start talking to someone else while you're on with me. If you'd prefer having a conversation with the person standing in front of you (as opposed to me), that's more than ok…just get off the phone with me then!

Note: Mothers are excused from this rule since children have absolutely no perception of when it is a good or bad time to start talking to their mommy.

But I do have a few (well, more than a few) phone rules that I wish others would follow:

* I don't like talking on the phone so, if you'd like to maintain contact with me and guarantee that I'll answer when you call, please keep our conversations short.

* If I don't answer, I'll see that you called. Cell phones will tell me not only that you called, but also the time and number you called me from. Which leads me to…

* Don't leave a voicemail. I won't ever, ever listen to it. Never ever. I hate voicemail. It's almost a phobia. Weird? Yes. But I have no control over it. So don't waste YOUR minutes leaving me one…cuz I won't waste MY minutes checking it.

* Don't call me after it gets dark on a work night. I'm either: watching a movie, reading, taking a bath, out drinking with friends, spending quality romantic time or sleeping. I'm for sure not sitting there wishing I had someone to talk to on the phone.

* Should you decide to leave a voicemail (and for some odd reason I decide to check it), don't expect us to be friends anymore if you cuss me out in the voicemail or attempt to make me feel bad in any way for not answering.

* The worst voicemail in the world: "Hey Erica, its _______. Give me a call when you get this."

* If I don't answer, please don't send me a text that says "Call me". I know to call you. I see that you called, I missed the call and I will return the call later. If it's something important or you have a specific question, send THAT in a text. Example: "Want to do dinner tonight?" or "Boy troubles - please call".

Now for the brutal truth. If I don't answer, there's a 95% chance that I heard the phone ring, saw it was you and decided not to answer.

However…

If you are extremely drunk and call me in the middle of the night, then please DO LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. Leave many of them. Those are frickin' hilarious and will guarantee a returned phone call the next morning.

Trimming the Wick

I spent my weekend at the boyfriend's house. I show up Saturday around noon. We hit up this Mexican restaurant called the Blue Sombrero- $2.50 margaritas plus FREE TACO BAR from 3-6 every-frickin'-day. The only complaint I have about the place would be the music selection. Someone turned on the "contemporary adult hits" XM station. I like MEXICAN music when I'm at a MEXICAN restaurant. I can even do country (although I have no idea why) but…Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl and Nelly's Thong Song don't work.







But, $2.50 margaritas do work. You could put on the "Christian rock hits from 1983-1986" station and I'd still show up.

Anyway, we stop at Bed, Bath & Beyond after. I notice a Yankee Candle sale. After recently painting (he just bought a house), boyfriend decides to go for the Yankee Candle in Vanilla Caramel to hopefully cover up the "paint smell".

(Note: I don't smell the supposed "paint smell". I'm too busy with my head up my ass, walking around the place and thinking what a grown-up he is for buying a home.)

So, we're watching some TV on Sunday. Oh- when I say "watching TV" I mean the TV is on, he's on his laptop and I'm reading. We're multitaskers by nature, I guess. The aforementioned candle is lit and sitting on the coffee table. Out of nowhere, he gets up and returns with the fingernail clippers. I'm immediately intrigued since he's one of the neatest people I know and would never think of clipping his nails in the living room.

He sits intently in front of the candle and starts clipping the tip of the candle wick.

I said "What are you doing?".

He says "Umm…trimming the wick. You have to trim the wick or the candle burns too fast, Erica".

OK-so I'm not that big of an idiot. I've heard of this mentioned at "candle parties" (but, by that time in the demonstration, I've already been given drink and food - aka NOT LISTENING).

My question is…do people really do this?

My real question is…since when does a man take better care of his candles than me?

Weekend (abridged)

Snow = 6in.
Hangover = 2
Number of times went out to "train" for the 1/2 marathon I signed up for = 0
Margaritas drank = 3
Loaves of fresh baked French bread eaten = 1
Beers drank = 4
Rooms cleaned = 0
Hours of GMAT studying = 0
Phone calls from Mom = 4
Phone calls from Mom that I answered = 0
Healthy home-made breakfasts made = 0
Greasy spoon breakfasts consumed = 1
Crap movies watched OnDemand = 2
Number of times I wished I was living in California = 47
Pounds lost = 0
Pounds gained = 1.75
Blogs written = 0 (sorry, everyone)

Conclusion = this cold weather is destroying my desire to lose weight, exercise, keep a clean house, study to get into graduate school and maintain healthy social contact.

Random Correspondences

TO: Father Time

Why do you always steal minutes from me on mornings and weekends then only give them back to me while I'm at work?

TO: Kids living in my apartment building

The hallway isn't a race track. Putting your shoes on and clodding up and down the halls before school at 6:50am is not acceptable.

TO: Parents of kids living in my apartment building

When your kids stomp up and down the hallway at 6:50am in the morning, the INCORRECT reaction is: "Oh [insert child's name]! Please stop running in the hallway, please. People are trying to sleep, silly pants". CORRECT reaction is: "Quit running in that hallway or I'm going to cut your legs off" (followed by a big daily dose of Ritalin).

TO: Semi-trucks traveling on the highway during rush hour

Stay out of the express/fast lane. It's not for you. Basic science will tell you that your 20 billion ton truck will never be able to accelerate as quickly as my G5 in stop-and-go traffic.

TO: Young, hip 20-something guy at gas station this morning

Love the "Your Starbucks drink order embarrasses me" t-shirt you were wearing. Don't love the wedding ring you were also wearing.

Initial Blog Commencing

For starters, I should probably give you a general idea of what this blog is about. As you can see, there is no mention of a husband and children because no such "family" exists. Don't worry - this is not a sore spot for me. And don't fret - I have 2 cats and hundreds of stories to occupy this blog.

Kidding - no nauseating cat stories.

Promise.

Although the occasional gripping about marriage and kids may creep into my blog, I mean no offense. I've encountered plenty of healthy, happy married people (well, at least a few…er, definitely 1) and more than my fair share of awesome kids. Should the phrase "I hate kids" pop up, I don't mean YOUR kids…I probably mean the kids who's idiot mom decided to bring them to Victoria's Secret on a Saturday in downtown Chicago during the Semi-Annual sale.

A good portion of my life is spent complaining about something but it's all in good fun. If you can't laugh about the things that piss you off, you are the angry drunk talking to himself at the bar that everyone avoids.

If you can't gain some sense of relief from complaining about the downfalls of day-to-day life, you probably have no business reading this blog. Please route yourself elsewhere. There are plenty of web pages that focus on only the bright, bubbly aspects of life. Go there. I hear Rachael Ray's blog is very insightful.

(Note - am just insanely bitter that I can barely pop a bag of Orville Redenbacher in 30 minutes let alone cook an entire meal.)

Well, nice to meet you, blogger.com. For additional information about myself, please refer to the "View My Complete Profile". I'm sure you'll find all (and more) that you need to know there.

FYI - I will do my very best to get a more interesting layout with pictures and graphics and all the fun things that keep our A.D.D. minds amused.

I would like to give a very heartfelt thanks to an equally snarky, sarcastic friend of mine who got me into blogging in the 1st place. Thank you Katie - a.k.a. "Miss Boyz in the Hood...er, suburbs". Please feel free to pass along any ideas and suggestions. I will make sure that you don't receive any credit for them.